Ok I just walked in the door on this epically funny funny side splitting tear jerking Tuesday night and I need to blog before anything else goes on.... I know my past few months have been kinda sub-par on stories and its been more of a "updater" type of blog but ladies and gents here is a pretty funny story to get your day started out....
Let me begin mid spin class where I turned to dear Amanda and told her (in between gasping breaths) that I was pretty sure I was going to puke if I have to "push harder and envision my strongest self" one more time..... we did 2 more intervals with Amanda's favorite instructor then we were finally able to hop off our bikes and throw in the towel... not quitting of course, just cause class was over and we now were on our merry little way to meet Emily, Audrey, Janan, Taylor, Kelli, and Shara (a few lovely ladies from church) at our favorite burger joint, Shake Shack in Dupont circle ;) Midway there I realized a burger was not going to sit well with me for at least 3-4 hours and so I decided I would go to our second favorite spot in Dupont (Nando Peri-Peri) and get some Lemon herb Chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and rice.... After grabbing my food I headed over to the shack to meet up with the girls. Since there were 8 of us we decided to go upstairs to the loft area where it was less crowded and had more seating for us. I then checked my to-go bag and realized that I had the wrong order which I normally would have just kept it but I really wanted rice and the chicken flavoring was too HOT for me to handle so I walked back next door and got my bag which they had waiting for me ;) As I pass the corner back into the shack there was a man sitting asking for spare change... I walk past him and then realize that I now have 2 mashed potatoes so I decided not to be greedy (and to not consume too many carbs) and give one of my potatoes to this man. I walked back to the corner and offered him telling him I had a extra thing and that he could have it, and he just looked at me and wrinkled his nose and said, "Oh no thanks"..... hmmmmm maybe he is Diabetic and cant have too many carbohydrates......?? Ha Gotta love it ;)
.......Anyway I get back to the table and Shara comments that she saw my potatoes and I being scoffed at and told me I get "Karma points" for trying, ---winning. A while into the meal after we have all talked about our days, our woes, our week ahead of us, and how often we floss our teeth I look over and realize that I have one of the best seats in the house! I am sitting right at the end of the table which places me right at the edge of the balcony which also places me right above a table of 3 men and a lady eating their meal and also gives me an excellent view of everyone else in the shack ;) As I realize this I turn to Shara and tell her, "this is the best place in the joint, look we can see right down onto their table." Shara then gets a little gleam in her eye right as I realized we were definitely thinking the same thing ... she then says, "I dare you to throw something down there!!" Taylor and Kelli (whom are dining with us for the first time ever) are not sure what to do with the 2 of us just laugh and get a different look in their eye that says, "are they really going to toss something down there?" I jokingly said I will just toss a chicken bone down and pretend it was an accident and Shara then mentioned that maybe the rice was less obvious but still pretty funny. So I non-chalantly hung my hand over the railing and flung a piece of rice which landed right in the middle of the ladies fries, --victory. Why stop there? I continue to aim for new targets assigned by Shara such as her wine glass, the mans plate, and even someones hair.... A employee of the shack then approached the table and we thought we had been busted but have no fear, he was just coming to gather our trays ;) No more than 5 minutes later I was placing my food back in the back to take home for lunch tomorrow... potatoes in, check... rice in, check.... and now for the chicken.... I was holding it lightly in my left hand and as my right arm attempted to reach back and place the chicken in the bag, however my large right elbow tapped the chicken box out of my left hand, right as the box slowly (matrix style) turned vertically and slipped right through the railing and down down down my breasts flew.............................. I watched this beautiful disaster all happen in slow motion and as the paper box landed square in the middle of the table and slid right open, one of my breasts pole vaulted out of the box and landed in one of the mens laps, splattering ketchup all over him....... I watch as the giggle starts to build up in my throat and realize nobody at the table realizes where the chicken just tsunami bombed in from! Each of the guys looks right and left and right again, the fury builds on their faces and then one of them looks up as he hears me giggle and gives me the look of death............ Shara and I then look at each other and LOOSE IT......................... ....................... ......................... ........................... I thought I was out of breath in spin class, oh no ladies and gentlemen, this took me to the next level that Dorothy was trying to get me to reach the hour before. I have tears streaming down my face, I try to explain to the other four (Amanda Janan Emily and Audrey) what happened (us 4 others can't control ourselves but I am now able to breath) and then we hear one of the guys yell out, "Uh did somebody loose a CHICKEN?"...... And we LOOSE IT again................. I have the strength to somehow put my right arm which is shaking because I am laughing so hard over the edge of the balcony and own up for being the girl that lost her breasts..... oh man oh man.... Karma Amanda then gets up from her seat and high tails over to the balcony saying, "I need to see who it is who just had chicken bomb their meal," and I finally lean over and everyone in the shack is laughing and trying to deduct what has happened and figure out if the flying chicken was on purpose or an accident. I try to apologize to the table below in between breaths but something about my apology must not seem sincere because the original "look of death" guy is slowly gathering my chicken up and placing it back in the paper box! He then yelled up to ask if I wanted my chicken back and I replied, "No please keep it (giggle giggle) it's the least that I can do (giggle giggle)." As we compose ourselves and begin to catch the other 4 up on the story and Shara says, "oh my gosh he is seriously taking the chicken home with him...." and sure enough he grabbed the chicken and headed for the door ;) ;) ;)
Then all of a sudden I look up and see 2 of the guys from the table approaching us with said chicken in hand.... The one who got my breast in his lap says, "is this seriously a table of girls up here?? I was totally expecting to come up here and find some dude, some douche (Amanda and Shara, in sync, point at me) who threw his chicken over the edge and onto our table.... my mind is blown right now, I just cant believe that this is a table of girls. I now need to hear how the hell this ended up in my lap (as he throws the box on the table) and how I ended up looking like I went through the battlefield with all this ketchup on my shirt." I am all giggles at this point and try to demonstrate how exactly it all happened and the guy just continues to shake his head in disbelief.... At this point I just apologized again and say, "hey you have to admit, this is a pretty good story, I mean you cant even write this shit...." he and his buddy laughed and joked a little bit more and said, "enjoy your leftovers" and left us 8 girls, half of us still mopping our faces up from tears, the other half a little confused still.................
So tonight my friends I have a few lessons to leave on the table as I head to bed.... 1- When the spin instructor tells you to go "breathless," don't do it. 2- If a man is on the corner asking for "spare change," and he is a little heavy in the middle area, he probably really does just want your spare change... but still offer just in case. 3- Never joke about having karma points, it lays the foundation for the universe to come back and get you. 4- Don't throw, toss, flick, or drop food onto a table below you in a public area, it's immature and will likely lead to some type of disaster (at least it will if your name starts with a Kj and ends with a ersten). 5- If you do indeed fling your breasts through the railings and it lands in a unsuspecting mans lap then dismiss the prior 4 lessons and have enough composure in the end to at least exchange numbers with the man because this is bound to be one of the greatest "how I met your mother" stories ever!!!
The culprit
